Walking in the Light of Support

Last night I couldn’t sleep. I spent 3 hours trying to get my mind to slow down. Frustrated, I finally got up at 2:30a.m. The long shower I was able to take was glorious. There was no fear of running out of hot water before the next person was to shower. When I do this at ungodly hours of the morning I am not allowed to blow-dry my hair – it would seem that I wake people up – go figure. So with wet hair on a cold morning, I went downstairs to write.

As I descended the stairs in pitch dark I felt safe because I was holding onto the walls for spatial reference. I become more comfortable and confidence each time I have to walk in the dark.  Last night when I had to let go and travel across the room, I was amazed that Iinstinctively knew where the obstacles were and was able get from point A to point B without banging up my shins.

This was a great victory because it is so rare for me. I have broken one toe or another at least 15 times over the years, primarily by kicking stationary things that suddenly jump out in front of me. (Most recently I tried to move our sleigh bed with my toe.)

I am settling into life in a new house and community. Navigating my personal spaces is a top priority.   I am becoming less anxious and feel safer here with each positive experience.   I have fewer bumps and bruises each time I trust and believe instead of my habit of second guessing myself.   I am improving my sight.

I thought about all the times I have walked in emotional darkness. On more occasions than I care to remember I have stubbed my emotional toe and banged mental shins against the unyielding obstacles of life. There have also been times when I had figured out the lay of the land and have been able to navigate the darkness on my own.

Life is infinitely easier when I don’t have to cross the rooms of doubt and fear by myself. My support system acts as the walls that I can hang onto as I traverse a space that scares me. I am not alone as I grow more and more confident of my route. Though inevitably I have to let go of the walls, my supporters know where the light switches are.

Getting out of the pit

“At the depths of despair, nothing matters, I can’t do anything, got to get out of here, walls falling in, throw me a rope, I can’t move, can’t stand it, nothing, throw me a rope…

And one day, like any other day, finally tired of waiting for help that never comes, make a rope, tie it to a rock throw it up pull yourself out and walk away…

And it took all that time just to find yourself.

And that’s how long it had to take:  And it was well worth every moment.”


“You hesitate, you think and struggle and finally you don’t even think about it anymore, you just lie there in defeat, you just lie there forever.  And then one day you get up and do what you have to do, and go on along to the next thing.”

Paul Williams, Das Energi.  pgs. 103-105 (Used with permission from Cindy Lee Beryhill.)