I’m A Big Kid Now

It is impossible to escape life unscathed.  I know we all live and relate to painful memories in our own way.  However, I don’t have much patience with feeding frenzies about the past. We all had one. It would seem that many of us are still waiting for it to be over…Unfortunately, horrible personal experiences are being gratuitously splashed all over the media in the name of “openness.” I am waiting to see the other shoe drop.

 It took me many years to break out from a life bordered on all sides by the bad experiences of my youth.  I felt helpless to overcome it until I began to understand the distorted thinking about myself, my actions, and life in general.


I was amazed when I finally opened my eyes.  Good Morning Sunshine, life really is good.  It is happening.  I realized I’ve just been living, not paying attention to life really. Last I checked (in 1995,) I was tucking away my Bachelors of Science in Psychology degree, shelving my graduate school plans, and convincing myself that I could find fulfillment making a home and getting the kids to school age before I would go for a Ph.D.


Epiphany:  I am the grown up now. No-one is going to give me my turn. There aren’t any hall monitors. We are the grown-ups.  I had to develop (over time) an attitude of fierce optimism.  I realized that I was really cool.  I have experienced what it means to go through Hell and I came out the other end a survivor.   I celebrated that I had chosen a path way back when that allowed for a full life.  I have been warped by some crazy – awesome experiences, and participated in wonderful crusader opportunities that have made actual real differences in the world.


What I find most compelling is my desire to reach out in spite of, or because of, all my experiences. I feel qualified to say that the men and women that I know are much more than their stories and histories. That the media perpetuates the myth that it is ok to stay caught up your history or demons is one of the great social ills of our time.


A&E’s Biography says, “Every Life Has a Story.”  Yes it does.  And for some people it is the end-all be-all of his or her existence. Understand that your experience and story is valid.  It is unique just because there is no one like you.  No one can crawl inside your subjective experiences of tragedy and beauty. We are the main character in our histories, and we have the need to be known.   We begin foaming at the mouth when we stay too long at the party and get sucked in as a recreational victim.


I know true love, pain, ultimate loss, sacrifice, anger, security, bliss, and devotion.  Being present everyday with my family and me is the toughest thing I do. It is also the best and most refining job I’ve ever have.


Life is short and we are the grown-ups now.  We have so much information on how to heal.  We have the power to actually change our own environment.  We can map out our own healing strategies prior to times of crisis.  Be irreverent (one of my favorite words,) but know when to be reverent. Love your lover and let him/her love you back.


We are the big kids now.  No one is going to hand us the power – or take it away –  unless we let them. We won’t be sent to our beds without dinner (we do that for ourselves.) We get to give ourselves permission as individuals and as society to live emotionally and release the breath that we have been holding.


Oops. This sounded way like a self-help book. I hate self-help books.

About erin

I am 4yrs old, mother of 3, (Sam, Becky, and Emma,) married to my electrical engineer husband (Adam,) & 'a kept woman.' This enables me to do a great deal of volunteer and community work. I have a B.S. in Psychology from Brigham Young University. I tinker with my Non Profit Organization, BipolarNOW - that is on sabbatical right now. I currently act as NAMIUT's Walk Volunteer Coordinator.
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