Last night I couldn’t sleep. I spent 3 hours trying to get my mind to slow down. Frustrated, I finally got up at 2:30a.m. The long shower I was able to take was glorious. There was no fear of running out of hot water before the next person was to shower. When I do this at ungodly hours of the morning I am not allowed to blow-dry my hair – it wouldseem that I wake people up – go figure. So with wet hair on a cold morning, I went downstairs to write.
As I descended the stairs in pitch dark I had to keep my hand on the wall. When I had to let go and travel across the room, I was amazed that I instinctively knew where the obstacles were and was able get from point A to point B without banging up my shins.
This was a great victory because it is so rare for me. I have broken my toes at least 15 times over the years, primarily by kicking stationary things that suddenly jump out in front of me. (Most recently I tried to move our sleigh bed with my toe.) I am becomingmore comfortable and safe, with fewer bumps and bruises, as I settle into life in a new house.
I thought about all the times I have walked in emotional darkness. On more occasions than I care to remember I have stubbed my emotional toe and banged mental shins against the unyielding obstacles of life. There have also been times when I had figured out the lay of the land and have been able to navigate the darkness on my own.
Life is infinitely easier when I don’t have to cross the rooms of doubt and fear by myself. My support system acts as the walls that I can hang onto as I traverse a space that scares me. I am not alone as I grow more and more confident of my route. Though inevitably I have to let go of the wall, my supporters know where the light switches are.